Fatherhood and the Scooter Blues

Razor scooters are cool. All the kids have them nowadays because they look good and they go fast. What more could a kid want?

While Razors are cool, Old Wahoo is not. The two oldest Wahoo kids have Razors, and I love that they want to ride them to school. It's great exercise, and it's easy to get them excited to use them. 

There's a problem, though. Razors are supposed to fold easily. All you need to do is flick a switch, and presto! the Razor folds into an easily transportable vehicle. Only it's not that easy for me, especially with the 5-year-old's scooter. Lately, I've tried and tried in vain to fold up the Razor as he heads into kindergarten. Finally, I give up and just throw the scooter in the back of the stroller and head back home. It's no big deal, really, except my feelings of fatherly ineptitude have increased greatly, and I have much more important things in which to feel inept. 

Fatherhood's not supposed to be easy. The kids are supposed to see you fail because they need to know that nobody's perfect.

Except I want to be. And sometimes, though, I know this is unrealistic and impossible, I want them to be perfect, too.

Work and the Family Man

The Wall Street Journal's The Juggle blog has an interesting post on whether work-family policies discriminate against men. 

When the boys were born, I took a week of vacation to help out (and that help was woefully weak, consisting mostly of badly changed diapers), and my wife probably wanted me out of the house by the end of the week. Nevertheless, I think it worked out pretty well overall.

I'm wondering what other people think. Did any other Dads take vacation time or some type of family leave from work? Were you happy with the situation? Do rules need to change?

Forever Young (Yeah, Right)

Kids make you feel young.

Old Wahoo does not buy that saying for one second. (Two sentences, two cliches - not bad, huh?) Back in the forgotten times (i.e., before kids), I never needed a nap and never wanted one. Now I need to get a nap every day, and that makes me feel old (or at least older). 

That's OK, though. I'm not a kid anymore. I don't need to feel young around them. I just need to remember what it was like to be young, to be a kid. When I can do that (and I don't do that often enough), I'm a better parent.

Besides, the kids won't let me feel too young, especially the kindergartner and his honesty. The other day, after I combed his hair to get him ready for school, he asked if he could brush my hair. After a few hacks at my scalp, he said, "Dad, I can't cover up that bald spot."

Are Dads Stepping Up?

Child and family psychologist Richard Weissbourd contributed an essay to NPR this week in which he challenged fathers to take on more responsibility. The gist of his opinion is hard to argue: Dads should take on more and should get more involved in their children's lives. But I believe he overgeneralizes, and I have rarely (if ever) encountered indifference from teachers or rude looks from other moms from invading their "sphere of influence." (I also think this short-changes fathers from older generations, who contributed in different yet still important ways.)

The comments at the end of the essay also are thought-provoking. One person posted:

There is a traditional mindset that institutions still cling to which says, in effect, Dad's occupy this space and Mom's occupy other roles. Might be about time we broke down that old fashioned group gender bias.

In his book "Outliers," Malcolm Gladwell suggests that culture shapes who we are. I think culture shapes how fathers behave, though I think that the culture in the United States is changing. Though this is purely anecdotal evidence, I think more and more dads are dropping off and picking up their kids at our school. Does it signal a change in attitudes? Does it show that more moms are working? Does it reflect the changing economy? Maybe it's a bit of everything.

What do you think? Is there a gender bias? How much does our culture hold back fathers? Or is it all a bunch of mumbo-jumbo?

Words of the Week

I think I need to pray a lot more.

"Ye fathers, provoke not our children to wrath."

- Ephesians 6:4

Another Father's Thoughts

John Clexton is a librarian and father of three who lives in Grosse Pointe Park. Two of his favorite movies are "Better Off Dead" and "Strange Brew," so he's pretty cool. His wife, Kim, writes a blog at Mad Mommy Meanderings.

Age? 39 I think (sometimes 18 , other times 83)
Number of children and their ages? 3 Kids 13,11,7
What is the best part about being a father? Being able to be part of their growing up experience
What is the toughest challenge you face as a father? Trying to be the cool dad, yet not be a total nag
How do you balance career and family responsibilities? What kind of challenges does you career present? I don't know, just kinda happens, lots of time I'm consumed with "so called drama or emergencies" that I really shouldn't have to deal with or worry outside work.
How has fatherhood changed since you were a child? How are you a different father than your father? I don't think it has changed too much, except for maybe more demands on working. Somtimes I find it scary that I'm very alike my dad.
What’s the best advice about fatherhood that you’ve received? Best advice is that remember how you thought at that age and take it from their precpective.

Links of the Week

Here are a couple of items of interest this week.

The first is this set of tips for back to school success from the National Fatherhood Initiative.

The second is a profile on pastor Kendall Granger, an East St. Louis man who is trying to address the problem of families without fathers. He was featured on Tom Brokaw's series on discovering the character of America.

Sleepytime

Old Wahoo loves sleep, especially now that the three boys make a nap an almost daily necessity for the old man. But with school getting ready to start here in the Great Lakes State, the time has come to rearrange the boys' sleep patterns. If we learned one thing, a tired kid is a cranky kid. Thus, sleep is our friend.

The Motherlode blog at The New York Times had a nice article with tips on getting your kids on a sleep schedule for school. But as the author Lisa Belkin says, even following good advice does not always lead to the intended result. The best laid plans of mice and men ... 

Sleep schedules are a much bigger hassle for Mrs. Wahoo since my work schedule takes me out of the rotation for at least three school nights a week. Getting the kids to sleep is tough even when it's two parents against three boys, but one parent vs. three boys ... even Norman Dale couldn't lead the Hickory Huskers against those kind of odds. And since I get home late, I'm usually cranky or worthless in the morning, so Mrs. Wahoo has that going against her, too.

Anyway, I was just wondering what worked for everyone else, or if you all had similar worries about sleep schedules. If you'd like, leave a comment below, or give me an e-mail at john.hetzler@gmail.com.

EDITED: To fix e-mail address.

Not Ready for Cool School

Old Wahoo took the Moose to Car City Records the other day to try to sell some old CDs.

That was a mistake, because Old Wahoo's ego took a hit as he did not quite fit the cool quotient.

Car City Records looks like a record store should - dusty and musty with tons of CDs and vinyl records stashed in cardboard boxes. Nothing fancy, but plenty of street cred.

Old Wahoo, of course, lacks street cred, and there's nothing more loser-like than rolling up to the record store in our Town and Country van. I waltz in with the 2-year-old in one hand and a stack of CDs in an old soup box in the other. I look around and see and hear nothing. Not even crickets.

Finally, I spy the clerk - a late 20s guy with a receding mullet and pale skin except for the black circles under his eyes - sitting in the corner, trying either to ignore or hide from me. His attitude doesn't dissuade me, though. I walk over and ask him if they buy used CDs.

"Yes, but the young country on the top isn't a good sign," he said with as little emotion as possible.

I tried to shrug off the rebuke.

"You mean you don't want to buy my Taylor Swift CDs?" 

I laugh.

No reaction.

After a moment, he speaks again. "It's just not our audience," he said flatly.

I recognize the obvious. I don't fit in there. Never have, never will.

That's fine, I guess, though deep down I wish I was hip, that I was cool, that this guy wanted to buy my sweet "Storm Front" disc by Billy Joel.

I always think my kids still think I'm cool, and I guess I hope they think I always am.

But there will be a day, if it's not already here, when they think I am anything but cool.

That's OK. 'Cause I'm not.

And it didn't need a trip to Car City Classics to figure that out.

Fitness feedback

Thanks to everyone for sharing their thoughts and tips on struggling to stay fit. I appreciate all the feedback, and I received a lot of helpful advice from you guys via e-mail and facebook. 

Marathon man Dave Cohen sent an e-mail that I could relate to, though I can't hang with his running. Pretty impressive. 

Here's what he said:

I started running last June (right before we moved from MI) and have gotten really into it... I am doing my first marathon (NY Marathon) in November and am running 55 miles a week, which is kind of nuts.

 

I think the big thing for me was initially I wanted to get in shape ... I also signed up for a 10K last summer (my first race) and that was good motivation as well.  In general, its always nice to have goals that are obtainable to keep you going... After I finish one race, I usually find another to sign up for.  I also like to set time goals for the races which cause me to work on building miles, faster time, etc... but in the beginning the biggest thing is just getting out there are running. The first day I ran I couldn't run for 1/2 mile (serious) which was shocking and kind of embarrassing. 

 

before last year, I always had excuses not to exercise also and the longest I had sustained exercise since the age of 18 was probably 4 months.  As a parent, it is easy to feel bad taking time away from the kids, wife, etc.. I have been tired and usually force myself to go out and run.

 

I rationalized it in one sense because I think encouraging health and fitness for the kids is a good goal, so watching me exercise may help them value that in life as well.  Obviously (my wife) has been very supportive in tolerating my training schedule, which usually involves me leaving the house for 2-3 hour runs every Saturday.  The only hard part is sometimes I get too drained of energy or my legs are sore and then I can't play soccer or tag with (my kids) which i feel bad about.

 

Its good to have a schedule because that can keep you on track and not allow slacking off (obviously can be modified if there are extenuating circumstances)\

I wish I could run at 5 am but find it so hard to get up then.. on days I go in late, I run in the AM.. other days I run after work.  but you are right in that it takes time from the kids;.

 

Also, there are cool "toys" that can keep you motivated... such as a GPS watchhttp://www.amazon.com/Garmin-Forerunner-Receiver-Heart-Monitor/dp/B000CSWCQA which tells your pace and distance you are running, and shows you the route, pace etc on the computer

 

for the ipod there is the nike+ attachment which is similar..and a lot cheaper... not as fancy or accurate but still can give you info on pace, distance, and can keep track of runs on the computer

Keep up the good work and good luck training for the marathon. Thanks for the e-mail, Dave.

And here's a link for the Nike+ipod.

Another Father's Thoughts

I talked to my cousin David Meeks about his views on fatherhood, raising teen-agers and learning how to text.
Age? 43
Number of children and their ages? Two, 17 and 14
Occupation? Deployed Forces Coordinator (for the Navy)
What is it like raising two teen-agers? They’re a lot busier. It’s crazy now that Ryan can drive. So we never see him. We’re fortunate that they’re still highly involved with events and sports or whatever so we’re able to keep tabs on them.
Now they have decisions they have to make that can actually shape the rest of their lives. Who they go out, what they do, they make their own decisions. When they’re younger, you try to teach them the right things. Now you hope they were listening. There’s a lot of responsibility for them. Trying to guide them earlier in life was easier than it is now.
But they’re two great kids who allow us to be involved in what they do. We haven’t had any of the teen-age issues that you hear about.
How do you balance career and family responsibilities? What kind of challenges does you career present? A lot of it is when I’m traveling, and I do travel a lot. That gets in the way of some big things. Ryan being a senior, I have to try to juggle what can I miss when I’m away. These are big events. Obviously we have graduation coming up, and proms. Trying to juggle my travel schedule, I will miss some things. These are some big checkmarks on the list that you don’t want to miss. I made it clear that I won’t miss graduation. But there are some things I will miss.
For Jenna, I did miss some (softball) tournaments. (David is a coach for her travel team). But if I didn’t have my job, I wouldn’t be able to pay for the travel for the softball. The biggest thing is the travel part because I do have a great schedule. Every day I’m off early so I can get to practice. And I have a very accommodating boss.
How has fatherhood changed since you were a child? How are you a different father than your father? My dad never had to learn how to text message. 

Trying to keep up with the technology that your kids use is tough. But that’s how we communicate. If you call them, they will not answer the phone. But if you text them, you get an answer right away.
We were always at the house, either outside playing or inside the house. Kids today don’t play around the house. They have to go do things. They have a lot more freedom than we had, and I think the technology has helped that. They can go across town, and we can keep in touch with them. There’s a lot more distance than we were kids.
What is the best part about being a father? When other people come up from all different types of situation and tell you how good your kids were or how grown up or mature they were in certain situations. That just makes you so proud that they’re able to act that mature even when we’re not there.
That just is awesome, especially when you’re away and you have to entrust your kids with other people. ... That I think really gives me the best feeling in the world.

Putt-Putt for the @#!&*! Fun of It

As a kid, Old Wahoo loved miniature golf. I used to go to the putt-putt in Cradock with my brother and my grandparents, and I always wanted to play more.

So as a father, taking the three boys to play putt-putt should be natural. I should love it. I should enjoy the time spent together.

But after playing 36 holes of miniature golf for the not-so-small sum of $48.50, I hope I never see another putt-putt course. It was an excruciating experience in which the kids shut off their ears, ignored me at every opportunity and clowned around the area. Which, I know, is basically what kids do when they play putt-putt. I'm sure I did the same thing.

Still, I can't help wishing that the boys would follow some simple putt-putt etiquette. Such as listening. Or waiting until the ball has stopped before taking another shot. Or actually aiming before putting. Or holding the putter correctly. Or waiting for their partners to finish before going on to the next hole. 

After all, if they become good enough, they always could try the pro tour.

On Fatherhood

President Obama delivered a speech Friday on fatherhood, stressing the importance of dads in their children's lives. For the president, the address had a personal touch, according to The New York Times.

“I say this as someone who grew up without a father in my life,” Mr. Obama said. “That’s something that leaves a hole in a child’s heart that governments can’t fill.”

At npr.org, Peter Breslow has an hilarious commentary on telling his daughters stories of his dog Ralph. Old Wahoo really appreciated this essay because I can relate to Peter having to tell how Ralph climbed Mount Everest, and how the stories became more and more fantastic, because Alex wants - no, demands - stories such as this. Though he usually wants putt-putt stories involving Jabba the Hutt and the Sarlaac pit.

Also, check out Kara Swanson's post about her dad. It's a great read for Father's Day.

The New Fatherhood

USA Today ran an interesting story on the changing nature of fatherhood. I thought much of the story was spot on, though I thinks it's always been "cool ... to be an active, involved father." I think more and more dads are tackling what were formerly "maternal" duties (i.e. changing diapers, carpooling, etc.) and that maybe never should have had gender tags on them. With women working more and more, and with the economic downturn, it's a trend that likely will continue and even accelerate.

For me, it's not always easy. Recently, Laura said that helping out with other people's children by baby-sitting, play dates, etc. was "the currency of mothers," which was meant as encouragement to me. I know it should not have, but it made me feel uneasy and somehow lacking, like it was an assault on my manhood instead of a suggestion to help me navigate fatherhood. For me, my ego still gets in the way.

What do you think? Has fatherhood changed? What are some of the challenges? How can I avoid letting my ego get in the way? Am I too touchy-feely?

SIDE NOTE: The USA Today article mentions DadLabs.com. I checked it out, and it's pretty cool.

Another Father's Thoughts

Lacy Lusk, a friend and former colleague at The Daily Progress in Charlottesville (and also a fellow Wahoo as well as a Cavalier Daily sports editor), shares his thoughts on fatherhood. Lacy is a big Cleveland Indians fan, and he also covers lacrosse at The Washington Post.

Age? 39

Number of children and their ages? 1, Sophia (3)

Occupation? Sports copy editor at The Washington Post

What is the best part about being a father? Seeing my daughter grow up, watching her learn and finding out what she enjoys doing.

What is the toughest challenge you face as a father? Simply keeping up with Sophia. She's a very active 3-year-old who enjoys sleep a lot less than I do.

How do you balance career and family responsibilities? The hardest part is finding enough quality time to spend with my wife. She works days and I work nights (we have one common off day each week), so a lot of days we see each other just for a quick update. Having a job I enjoy makes a huge difference. If I didn't, I'm sure it would be that much tougher to rally at home.

What kind of challenges does you career present? Working nights and some holidays makes it tougher to find time with extended family, but it also allows me to spend about eight hours a day with Sophia. So for some of the challenges, there's also an upside. The volatility of the newspaper business certainly doesn't help.

How has fatherhood changed since you were a child? Most of the basics are probably the same. Maybe more is expected of fathers on the home front, but our dad was able to spend a lot of time with us and be a strong influence, so I don't think my role is much different than my father's.

How are you a different father than your father? I worry about being too lenient -- think my dad had a better handle on when to give in and when not to. But I try to put my family first, just like he did, and frequently tell my wife and daughter how much I love them.

What’s the best advice about fatherhood that you’ve received? From many sources, just to let my child be herself -- not try to force my interests on her, and at the same time to introduce to her as many worlds as possible.

Blaming the refs

Old Wahoo heard an awful lot of complaining, not to mention screaming and yelling, about the referees at high school basketball games last week, and all of that whining angered me. People moaned about calls if their team was ahead by 20 points or down by 20 points. It didn’t matter. Can’t these people see, Old Wahoo wondered, that the refs are doing the best they can? It’s a high school basketball game. It’s not life and death. Besides, the best team won each time, and the officials’ calls had little, if anything to do with the outcome.
Unfortunately, Old Wahoo caught himself complaining about the referees’ calls in a college basketball game between Virginia Tech and North Carolina. To the chagrin and sometime embarrassment of others, I’ve long believed that officials had a UNC bias. While I should a college basketball game may (or may not) have higher stakes than a high school playoff matchup, I’m worried about my actions on a larger level. When my sons participate in athletics on a more competitive level, will I become one of those parents who embarrasses his kids with his yelling and screaming? Will I become one who berates officials?
I know I have in the past, and it’s something I must be vigilant on in the future. I know that my job has forced me to settle down somewhat - there is no cheering in the press box, after all. Maybe I’ll have to keep stats, or somehow keep myself occupied to be less focused on the outcome and the calls and more focused on the purpose of athletics - to grow physically and mentally to become a more complete person.

Another Father's Thoughts

I asked my friend Ron Bernas for his views on fatherhood and the joys and challenges he faces. Ron lives with his family in the Detroit area.

Age: 45.

Four children: Patrick, 11; Charlie, 9; Daniel, 7; Eleanor, 5

Occupation: I am in marketing and public relations.

What is the best part about being a father?
The best part of being a father is watching your kids grow and seeing them become people. It's also a good excuse to revisit things you loved as a child -- books, movies, etc. -- in the guise of "introducing them to the kids."

What is the toughest challenge you face as a father?
The toughest part of being a father is finding the patience.

How has fatherhood changed since you were a child?
When I grew up, fathers weren't really around much. They'd go off to work in the morning and we'd see them around dinnertime. The fathers I knew weren't all that engaged in their children's lives unless it was as a coach on a sports team. They were the bad guys, the ones we hid things from and were in charge of the discipline. I often wonder if they felt stifled in that role or if that was the one they were comfortable with. Fathers today seem much more aware of what's going on in their kids' lives. They volunteer at school, they know their kids' friends, etc.

What’s the best advice that you've received about fatherhood?
I don't know that I ever really got any advice on fatherhood. Too often, tips on how to be a father come in corny little books with stock art of dads who seem impossibly into their kids. My dad died before I was a father, but he was, for all intents and purposes, one of those nonengaged fathers and other dads don't sit around sharing advice on parenting. One piece of advice that always stuck with me came from the movie "Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?" Sidney Poitier and his father are having a fight and the father says "You owe me respect." Sidney yells back "I owe you nothing! ... You brought me into this world. And from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me like I will owe my son." It's not warm and fuzzy, but it's true. And I don't mean owing in terms of things. I mean owing in terms of love and support to help them grow into a productive member of society.

Also, there's this advice: Don't do something once you don't want to do forever. This is applicable only for older kids: For instance, if your kid gets up in the middle of the night and you get up and snuggle her and sing to her until she falls back asleep, expect to do it from that day on. Give into a kid's tantrum? Expect to do it forever. Make a different meal because they don't like what you're serving? You'll do it forever.

Another Father's Thoughts

From time to time, I hope to talk to other fathers and get their thoughts on parenthood. My first guest is someone pretty close to me, my father, Steve Hetzler.

Age:  62
Number of Children:  Two, ages 35 and 33, 34 on Friday.
Occupation:    Controller of small commercial carpet sales and installation contractor.
What is the best part of being a father?  
Watching each phase in the development of your child, living in that moment.
What is the toughest challenge? 
I thought about this for a long time.  I'm not sure that any one thing really stuck out.  There is the one about maintaining ones composure when your child makes a scene in public (I'm sure I was not too successful at that) and the trying of ones patience, but perhaps the biggest challenge would be not to worry too much about funding college educations or lasting stigmas I may leave with an impressionable 3, 4, or 5 year old.
How has fatherhood changed since you were a child? 
I don't think fatherhood has changed from when I was a child.  I think fathers get stretched in the same directions now as they did then.  Making a living and making a life.  There are countless demands made upon ones time. 
How were you different father than your father? 
When I was growing up, I had, on more than one occasion, the thought how I would do things differently with my children.  Yet, looking back, I think I was a lot like my father in many ways.  After all, we draw clues from our fathers and don't even realize it.  The one thing I hope I wasn't was not being quite as aloof as my father.
How did fatherhood affect your relationship with your father? 
I felt as though I was now an equal, that there was an acceptance in our relationship of the persons we had become.  Rereading that I don't want to suggest that I wasn't accepted as a child, just that as a child I was a child.