Another Father's Thoughts

I asked my friend Ron Bernas for his views on fatherhood and the joys and challenges he faces. Ron lives with his family in the Detroit area.

Age: 45.

Four children: Patrick, 11; Charlie, 9; Daniel, 7; Eleanor, 5

Occupation: I am in marketing and public relations.

What is the best part about being a father?
The best part of being a father is watching your kids grow and seeing them become people. It's also a good excuse to revisit things you loved as a child -- books, movies, etc. -- in the guise of "introducing them to the kids."

What is the toughest challenge you face as a father?
The toughest part of being a father is finding the patience.

How has fatherhood changed since you were a child?
When I grew up, fathers weren't really around much. They'd go off to work in the morning and we'd see them around dinnertime. The fathers I knew weren't all that engaged in their children's lives unless it was as a coach on a sports team. They were the bad guys, the ones we hid things from and were in charge of the discipline. I often wonder if they felt stifled in that role or if that was the one they were comfortable with. Fathers today seem much more aware of what's going on in their kids' lives. They volunteer at school, they know their kids' friends, etc.

What’s the best advice that you've received about fatherhood?
I don't know that I ever really got any advice on fatherhood. Too often, tips on how to be a father come in corny little books with stock art of dads who seem impossibly into their kids. My dad died before I was a father, but he was, for all intents and purposes, one of those nonengaged fathers and other dads don't sit around sharing advice on parenting. One piece of advice that always stuck with me came from the movie "Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?" Sidney Poitier and his father are having a fight and the father says "You owe me respect." Sidney yells back "I owe you nothing! ... You brought me into this world. And from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me like I will owe my son." It's not warm and fuzzy, but it's true. And I don't mean owing in terms of things. I mean owing in terms of love and support to help them grow into a productive member of society.

Also, there's this advice: Don't do something once you don't want to do forever. This is applicable only for older kids: For instance, if your kid gets up in the middle of the night and you get up and snuggle her and sing to her until she falls back asleep, expect to do it from that day on. Give into a kid's tantrum? Expect to do it forever. Make a different meal because they don't like what you're serving? You'll do it forever.